I'm looking for a new self help book, 'A guide to Mumdom' or more specifically 'A guide to 2 year old boys'.
Girls I have just about got to grips with, I just suggest/expect what I would like/have done and 50% of the time I'm right, 50% of the time its the exact opposite. No great surprises. Boys on the other hand (or to be exact, my one) have me flummoxed.
The type to book I want is direct. Not the kind which offers help, advice and hope on every continuing page only to completely wimp out at the very end with teeny tiny print on the final page with something completely annoying like "well, hee hee, of course these past 12 chapters are all just based on my experience, every child is different, so just go with what you think best".
No! I want a no holds barred, THIS is what you should do to get THESE results in the style of Paul Hollywood, Henry VIII and Jesus Christ where if you don't follow their rules you are a fool only to yourself and will receive a very withering "What do you expect?!?!?" look along with your rubbish result (e.g. dry bake, getting your block knocked off or a rather too warm eternity).
So the chapters I really want to read about are how to deal with/put an end to:
1. A constant need to whack (his words) everything that moves (primarily his sister)
2. A constant need to hold an iPhone/ipad
3. A constant need to snack
4. A constant need to watch Peppa Pig
5. A constant need to whine when none of the above are readily possible
Now I know what your thinking, this guy needs to get out more, do some sticking and painting, tramp in some leaves and read some books. This sounds like we don't do much, we do! We walk, have adventures, we play, we attend groups and we have quiet time but the above is normally taking place at the same time.
So please please please please (recurring with a dot on top) if you know the existence of this holy tome, can you just quietly tell me?